My Heart, My Kids

As every day goes by my heart aches for my kids, not having them with me hurts as I am sure it does many. The cut throat ways people manipulate others in order to control what is not theirs, nevermind that it only hurts the child in the long run. Abusers use children as tools against the other parent because everyone knows you will do anything for your kid and don’t care enough to pay attention to the baby and how that may have something to do with why all the hissy fits question. They destroy the other person’s life, acting from emotion is never good for anybody.

Social Services(CPS) hide themselves behind the mask of “ Child Services “ when what they should be called id child stealing agency, or Child and family destroying agency because they pretend to have the best intentions to keep children safe when all they really do is protect the ones that have abused you and let them continue abusing your child emotionally. I found a photo yesterday of my son when he was about two and he was staring at the ground. It looked to me like he was wondering what happened to my mommy.  It made me start crying first off because it was around the time I had got him back from foster care and my ex had taken him from me. I had left my abusive partner and took my son to a domestic violence shelter so we would have a chance at a good life but he was able to manipulate the court system and take him from me. I was in a shelter for God sakes, how did they just grant him the ability to continue his abuse without even checking out the facts? They believed his story about drugs and alcohol abuse without checking the facts. The fact was I had been in therapy,I had quit drinking and doing drugs, I had just changed the type of person I was. I had just got my son back from foster care and out of the system a month earlier.

Separation of mother and child creates a very large shift in the direction of not only one life but two. It isn’t natural for a child to be without mom because that’s where the nurturing comes from and the trust the child builds to bond with people in the future so when that is broken it becomes an attachment disorder and leaves the child with some big issues in the future. The boy or girl ends up never trusting anyone which destroys any chance of having normal relationships in the future because there is no trust for emotional attachment.

Crazy?!

Imagine you live most of your life drunk and there really are no memories because you make sure they don’t. Imagine the reason for that is because everyone in your life you find has betrayed you over and over but you don’t remember any of it until years later when you quit drinking. The pieces of ones life get ripped apart by everyone around, trust nobody like you thought you could. Then your kids get ripped away and abused and you are being ordered to comply with the person who has destroyed your life and is working on destroying your daughter and doing his best to make a little monster like he is. CPS and the court telling you your abuser is in control of how or if you see your son knowing a permanent restraining order is in place. Now imagine there is nothing you can do but watch these people try to destroy what’s left of me after the fire that almost killed me which I’m sure was no accident. Intentionally setting off you symptoms of PTSD to get you wound up first so you look like you’re the one going insane and out of control. This is all gaslighting and remember……I am crazy.

The Burn Story and PTSD

  I recently became aware that PTSD effects more than the person who has it, the symptoms are quite explosive for the family too. I believe it is the most difficult to manage because I never know what will trigger it. 

       In December of 2020 I was taken to University Hospital by ambulance and admitted to the Burn Center Intensive Care Unit. I had just been burned by an enclosed propane fire that burned 20% of my body. Before I was able to escape the flames I remember falling to my back and I could hear my skin sizzling while I was trying to get to get out, my face was burning as I watched as the flames started to consume my hands and legs. The man I had been planning to marry was beside me when I went to sleep but where was he now? I was focused on getting out, I had finally made it to the side of the tent and ripped it open. Surprisingly I was able to stand, when I did the flames latched onto my hair and then they were gone. Just then my partner had crawled out and said he would go for help.

      I spent a month having surgery and daily wound care to repair the damage from the fire and found out that fire destroys everything down to the cellular level and stops any possibility of regeneration so when they said skin grafts were necessary for me to heal I had to do it. I had to learn how to do everything all over again, I had no use of my hands, I couldn’t walk or even to go to the bathroom on my own. I was told my partner was also admitted to the hospital but left against medical advice before they could even treat the burns he had on his arm. I was already in great physical pain but now the emotional shock of the man I was going to marry had abandoned me in this time of great need. I received no visits or phone calls from him the whole time I was recovering and started to question it.                                                                                            I pushed myself to get well but my mental and emotional health still suffered through a traumatic event but I had to find out if this was intentional or what I was hoping, an accident. The outcome was not good and I learned he was listening to me the whole time I was on fire and did nothing to help me. He still walks around on the street because no investigation was ever done.

I have PTSD from the fire and from the betrayal.

      I came to my mom’s to heal when I learned how PTSD effects the people around you when I would snap at my mom for just saying good morning sometimes. She has gone out of her way to help me heal and she hesitates now because of the fear of not knowing how I will react to things she may want to say. I isolate myself in my room most of my time now because I don’t trust being in public or around other people. I am looking into counseling to help treat the symptoms to better heal myself and my family.

Composure

Holding my composure is not one of the easiest things for me to do these days. All the crap I have to constantly endure is wearing on my soul. All I really want to do is break everything and it will stop but people say it’s not the way to handle things, it seemed to work for years for me so I don’t get how it would have just stopped.

Coming to my mother’s house here in Arizona was not a good idea after all either. I have healed my body from the fire and I have been working on learning things to be able to make money online so I can work from home but I am only a little through that process and now to be kicked to the street? It’s a million degrees here and I don’t know how to be homeless in Arizona, plus I shouldn’t have to go back out on the street.

I remember now this is always how it’s been with my family, they say they are helping me and they do to a point but when I am only part of the way through a process now also having PTSD , they look at me as if what’s wrong with you now that you can’t function? That is not supportive in any way, why don’t you just stab me, it may hurt less.

I don’t know if I am the only person who has noticed this but let me just verbalize just in case, when a person is doing good, making positive progress from what the normal is, there is always someone waiting for the opportunity to stop you in your tracks. Most of the time it is someone on the outside that goes unnoticed usually, Let me try to give an example. The person across the street constantly has his nose and his wife’s nose in my mom’s business. They sit across the street and watch everything 24/7. When they see me, her daughter they will call the person who runs the park to tell her I have been seen. That somehow turns into she lives there, so my mother get’s harassed, I have to stop everything that I am doing because now for some stupid reason on his word of lies she has to defend against what was said and I am stuck getting thrown to the street. Should these people go unpunished?

What’s on my desk

I spend more and more time at my desk these days, doing everything from preparing the family taxes to working on this blog. Because of this, my workspace is constantly changing. Holding the clutter at bay is challenging, so I prefer to keep nearby only a few quality items that serve multiple purposes over a stockpile of things I might never need.

My daily planner

My planner is one of those simple ring binder journals you can pick up from any stationery supplies store. White paper. No ruled lines to cage my venturesome handwriting and doodling. I’m an obsessive note-taker and fill pages to the margins with to do lists, rough sketches, and ideas for blog posts. I usually go through one planner every month.

Staying Organized

Who me? Organized? My husband might tell you otherwise, but I do find it hard to keep track of our weekly schedule. You know: school, swimming, grocery shopping, tidying up, paying bills, remembering appointments and so on. Fortunately, in our house we all pitch in. No one person does everything. But we do have a little secret that helps our day run more smoothly.

The Nightmare

Looking at the things I have had to go through in my life is disturbing. I have made a lot of changes to be a better person and not fly off the handle but it seems like none of it really matters to anyone but me. Nobody even sees the changes I have made when they only live to destroy what they believe to be the rest of me. I have had a hard time just being able to live with some of the things I have found out after much digging.

It’s a hard reality to find out the how people in my life have not only made me the way I am but continue to do the same things to me in order to keep me down for their purpose. I have been doing some positive things for myself like getting back to school for a business license, building a blog, sharing stories of strength and hope, and I got baptized. When people can only talk about you negatively it impacts how you can move forward. Not sharing how you are different, the changes you have made, or day anything positive they are actually cutting the very life out of you.

My mother knows I have had some hard struggles and suffer with PTSD but I have caught her on many occasions triggering me intentionally. One night I was sitting with her getting her stoned, I was calm and was having no issues. When I got up to walk to my room she started slamming her keys on the table which she knows the loud sudden noise will set my symptoms of PTSD off. I looked at her and asked what the problem was and she started yelling so everyone could hear as she said, I don’t know why you come at me like this. That is when I started to notice she is and has been the one that keeps my life hell. When I told her I thought I was pregnant she said, “it’s no wonder they tried to kill you”.

I decided to come to my mom’s place in Arizona because she said she wanted to help me. She told me she had a room for me and I could relax and heal when I got out of the hospital, it seemed like a good idea and I was supported in that decision when the hospital actually bought the ticket for me. I have been here now for going on 7 months but nobody has really seen me because I isolate a lot now with my PTSD, plus she lives in a 55 and older community. Since coming here I have noticed in her behavior that she has had a big part in how my life is and how I got to be the bitch I am. Her part in how people see me is why I continue to seem to make no progress even though I have made a lot of it.

I have learned that my grandmother used to deal cards in Chicago for the Italians. I have found out that she did not leave my father when I was little but she would drag us around with her to different places with him. He was a biker for the Iron Horseman and what she had told me previously was not the same as the stories I was hearing now. All she was doing was covering her own ass and do her best not to let me find out what the real story was because she knows what I am capable of.

I am finally healed from the fire and have been working towards building a life to move out of here and now she still won’t protect me so I can move on in the right ways. Instead she wants to throw me to the streets where she knows it’s not safe for me to be and the reasons why but none of that matters. It’s like it was planned to get me out here to finish me off because of how much I know.

Everyday is a struggle and I just do my best to not make anymore mistakes along the way and try to do things the right way these days. I need some relief and maybe one day I can get some real help for my problems.

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