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I was watching Youtube like any other normal day when I received a notification about a video I was recommended to watch. I subscribe to a channel called “Money Flow Academy”, they have different ways for a person to make money online and walk you through each one. The person I watch the most of is “Finance Girl” she gives you the information on the sites she uses to make money online and gives you step by step instructions as well.

Today it was on a website that pays you to watch video ads. I had to see if this one really works since I have been trying for so long to make money online and haven’t been able to make much at all because of one reason or another. It’s usually that these sites are good if you purchase an upgrade, or you are only able to make so much per day and the cashout is high so it’s impossible to reach and you put in all this time and effort into something that never pays off in the end. I don’t know about you but this frustrates me to no end.

The website is called WAD.OJOOO.COM and yes you can make money by watching ads, it takes five seconds after you click and open in a new tab to get credited for participating.

Watch this video and it will tell you more.
Here is a QR to get to the site.

They also have an Affiliate Program that will pay you for someone else to watch the videos for you and also make referrals. Each person that signs up for an account using your link you get a part of and make money from. Sounds to good to be true, it’s not because this site actually works so if you want to make some easy money go to the website and sign up for an account of your own today.

https://campaign.ojooo.com/?ref=MsKiim

A New Opportunity

Coming to Arizona was not by choice, I had to leave Colorado because my boyfriend at the time tried to kill me by setting me on fire. I had to get out and find something new, find something I love to do and have always wanted to do but haven’t done yet. A new lease on life can stop many people from moving forward and I’m not saying it hasn’t had it’s effect on me, I have some new mental health issues that I have to overcome as well.

This class that is being offered to me through Pastor Jason with Genesis in Apache Junction, Arizona is probably just what I need to help me get through one of the hardest parts of the healing process, having to back out into the world and be around people again. It’s hard having this PTSD along with my other mental health issues but I know it will be a faster process if I am accepted to this class.

Cooking is something I always loved to do and I have had dreams of owning and operating my own catering business or food truck. I am hoping this class will show me many things as far as safe food handling, preparations, just everything I don’t know when it comes to different types of food and what people like.

Who knows, maybe if five years I will finally have that food cart I always wanted. Thank you for this opportunity and I will do my best and give 100% to this. I can, will, and have succeeded in all undertakings I have applied myself to and this won’t be any different than that because I do believe in myself and have faith that God has lead me here for his reasons and I will accept.

BE WELL!

UPDATE……

This turned out to be a total waste of time I guess because I was never contacted by this “program” after this.

Feeling the Negative

Have you ever been around someone that is so negative that you can feel it from them? That one person who you can’t really tell off for respect reasons but their negative outlook when looking at you sucks. I recently have come back around this person in my life and suddenly remember how bad it really is, I had to send this person out of my life at a couple points because of how her negativety effects me and how I move forward.

The people in a persons life are supposed to be there to support one another, give appreciation, and a helping hand when it’s needed. I do my best to be this type of person to everyone but it doesn’t go far when I am disregarded completely. It appears that nothing I do get’s any credit and it really just doesn’t seem to matter at all to her.

I have taken some big steps to be able to put myself back together which were not easy, to admit I needed help was hard but to actually sign up for medication and a therapist is another big hurdle. It’s not an easy task to say to yourself that you recognize there are new issues in your life and behavior that need to be addressed with therapy and medication and then do something about it. Not many people actually take the steps to help themselves.

I can see the way she looks at me like I’m always doing something wrong, or wondering why I am even here again. This is not the only time in my life that I remember her being this way towards me and I can see now how this has effect on me and wonder if it had the same effect in the past and I just don’t remember because of how much I used to drink. If so then that would mean this woman has been out to sabotage me from the beginning and if she cares this little now I need to be able to cut all ties with her soon.

  The “Pretty” Truth

Taking care of yourself is important in so many ways, selfcare is one of the most necessary things you can do for yourself to move you forward in a positive direction for your future. When you get dressed in the morning and go through the list of things you need to get done in your head, tell yourself to do your best is to feel your best, to feel your best is to look your best. So I get dressed everyday as if I am having to meet a million new people even if I’m not just to feel like I am going to accomplish something. 

  This also works against me a lot of the time, I would have to say more times than not that since I am not ugly I get approached by almost everyone. Aggrevating to say the least because after a while. I just stop being nice to anyone. 

  The lines I’ve heard and the excuses, lies, backstabbing, cheating, fucked up relationships and friendships all because the only thing any of those guys wanted was either to get in my pants or control me by trying to get me to comply all while pretending they like me. I don’t understand how a person says they are your friend while they are doing things that disrespect you in front of other people when you’re not around. 

  This leads me to having to choose to put up with things I don’t like from another person or be by myself. I usually find a project to do because I am not going to settle for less than what I want and compromise doesn’t work when people don’t know how to not take advantage of others. 

  The decision is a “no brainer” but on the other end of the spectrum, if you’re pretty and take care of yourself some people are afraid to approach you for fear of rejection. I try to pay attention to body language a lot. It will tell me valuable information about that person before they even say a word. I do my best not to be rude but being nice wastes so much time in the long run because it eventually turns out you should have never trusted the person to begin with. 

   Expectations run high but in fact all it comes down to is loyalty, self integrity, and respect. If you have all of these things then you are doing better than most of the human population right now but these things are hard to find in anyone nowadays. 

Being alone is one of the hardest things about being pretty and having standards. People think pretty girls can always get a date and that is true if you like wasting your time on stupid conversations, it’s only one in a million that you find a friend that it’s effortless to be around. Being lonely makes you wish for someone real.

BE WELL!

Sidetracked

All I want in life are simple things and that’s all I ever really ask for from anyone, is to keep things simple and not complicated, but for some reason everybody wants to make things as difficult as possible for whoever they feel like. No reason is needed usually, if you have been paying attention you have seen this in your life at one point or another, this is for real and taking over this world while everybody looks the other way because they honestly don’t know, or they choose to not acknowledge what’s happening right in front of their eyes. The evil that is living among us looking like, acting like a regular person. These demons are so good at hiding themselves it’s hard for me to know it’s presence at first these days, they have even learned how to generate feelings that another person can feel, like when your in love.

I have been working on getting all of my shit organized for some time now but for some reason I can’t get it done. I will spend all day pulling out my belongings to see what in fact I have and what I don’t have anymore, because when you have to keep moving your stuff things disappear. I will set all the bathroom stuff to a different place or in a bag, then get out all the shoes, purses, the makeup, put full outfits together in ziplock bags and then in a rolly suitcase. I can’t ever get to the point of being done with it all and finally have everything put together so I can move forward to the next step in my process of healing.

I realize this is how evil works to keep people from becoming what their full potential would be for their life and family. It becomes overwhelming when you can’t ever get shit set up so you can take care of yourself, knowing what you need and where to find it when you need it is impossible when your always having to move around. When you have no choice but to live on the street it’s difficult to know where you can go. I go out of my way to look for a secluded spot I can be, when I do find one I have to move all of the things I need to the place I am planning to set up camp and this takes time to do because I like to have everything I need. I spend quite a lot of time putting my stuff where I need it so I can be sort of comfortable but a day or two will pass and then someone gets nosy and decides to call the police or starts to complain for you being there even though the spot isn’t being used, it’s not out in the open, but you still have to move out of it because someone doesn’t like you being there. It’s so stupid how society has made it impossible to survive when you are on the street, people are not nice about much these days.

I know when I see a person who is struggling I try to see if I can help, I think to myself that this person is obviously having a hard time with things so the last thing I want to do is cause this person more grief. The same used to apply to homeless people but since I have now been experiencing homelessness it’s not the same feeling as it used to be because of the things I have learned about the people who live on the streets. Most people will never know the kinds of things I do and thank God for that, but let me tell you all of the people who live out here are not out here because they have to be, some have chosen to be out here. They were made an offer to be part of a bigger picture with monetary benefits, in other words a job. Their job is to destroy what’s left to a person after they are forced to the street by the person who has set the target on them and it’s usually an abusive partner from the past still looking to destroy what’s left because they can’t have control over them. These people steal the things a person needs in order to maintain self dignity like hygiene, electronics, clothes, blankets, makeup, or they will scatter everything so it’s all in a big mess instead of how you had it. They will pretend to be your friend so they can gain your trust to get closer to you so later when they rip your heart out and it hurts worse because now you have started to doubt that you have the capability to see a person for who they are and will start to question your decision making skills. This kills any security you have left and how you feel as a person changes, who you are as a human being changes. The type of person you are becoming is not what you would like but how some other person wants or needs you to be for their purpose, you no longer can live for you. When someone is constantly kept at the edge of sanity and stressed out they can’t function enough to get the type of help needed for these situations because it’s so difficult to keep your thoughts straight in order to communicate to another person what your going through or what you need.

Taking advantage of someone is never alright, no matter what excuse you use or try to blame the other person. When someone is so rundown from never having a chance to settle, it becomes easy for demons to move right in and start to taking over every aspect of their life. Keep your heads up and stay aware, not everyone is your friend.

BE WELL!

Different Worlds

     It used to be as if I lived at the bar when I was younger, I don’t think I was ever at home. In fact I am trying to remember “home” and I can only remember a few and it’s been a lot of years. My point is I drank, that was how I lived my life, drunk. I was an alcoholic by the age of 15 I think but I needed it because the reality of things was too much for me to cope with and I wasn’t ready for that yet. 

   I remember one time in Denver Colorado I was so drunk I slouched over while sitting on the toilet and I couldn’t move. I couldn’t move to reach my pants and I couldn’t move anyway so I took a nap. Someone woke me from the state I was in because before I went into the bathroom I ordered a taxi to take me home. She helped me into the taxi but I was so drunk I couldn’t remember my address, thankfully I did remember my mom’s address or he was going to take me to detox.

   Having these memories causes me to feel bad. I get upset at myself because I also remember telling myself that I could do great things if I could only stop drinking. Nobody ever saw that happening soon, not with my lifestyle of being a full time stripper. I thought the same way as my family did about my drinking and the possibility of ever seeing me sober. There wasn’t anything that I had any responsibility for at this point and I needed to make money to survive. The drinking was necessary to cover the sexual abuse as a kid. Most of this my family has no idea of because of course kids say nothing about these things, especially to family. So I learned how to function in society as someone who drank, I learned how to do different jobs all under the influence of alcohol, a total of 40 years or so I’d say.

   During those times I had a lot of fun so I’m told, I partied hard and could keep up with the best of them. I hung out in strip clubs and I had a lot of money for things I wanted. If I saw something I wanted I bought it without hesitation because I knew I had the money for whatever it was at the time. I somehow was able to function through all of the chaos, I just pushed through things if it needed to get done without anything to complicate it. I did have other jobs besides stripping, like breakfast server and bartender, I do really love to serve breakfast in high volume, fast paced places. I have done many different things for work, not all of them on the good side of life and not socially acceptable.

   I have been free from alcohol now for some years, it took a lot of hard work with a therapist but we did it. I had never had a therapist until this point in my life, not that I remember anyway. I had never been to counseling like my sister, I  didn’t know she was in counseling until many years later so I never even thought about it. Getting sober was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, staying off the liquor isn’t hard anymore because it’s been 10 plus years now and I wonder if they broke me or fixed me actually. 

   The reason I say that is because now I have feelings and emotions that I used the alcohol to snuff down to where they are not functional. The liquor made everything easy and there were no feelings attached to anything or any emotional crap, getting things done was easier then when I didn’t have to analyze it all before moving forward on something. I had learned how to function in society as a functioning alcoholic, most of my work skills I also learned how to do so now I have to learn how to do things I used to already know how to do all over and it is not fun. I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD which makes it impossible to function at all some days but having to pick everything apart to find out how I feel about it first drives more than just me crazy. I never know what will set off my triggers that turn me into that person nobody can stand, including me. 

Now I live on the streets basically, this is not what I busted my ass for all my life. I have none of my kids because of an abusive partner that manipulated the court system to take my youngest from me even though I was doing good. I don’t work because of the PTSD, I have issues with people being able to see me. Plus I don’t have a boyfriend either, the last person I trusted to be my partner set me on fire so I have big trust issues and so would you. My youngest son, Aaron’s dad vowed if I ever left him he would destroy my life and that is exactly what he did. I don’t know how my life went from what it was to what it is and I struggle to get back where I was before. It’s hard to get through the day and be productive because of the long term effects of abuse and gaslighting.

   It was hard to put the pieces of my life together with my memory because of so many contributing factors but once I started to connect the dots they came one after another, some of the things that I remember are not easy to remember but I have to get to the bigger picture. I have made many changes and have successfully changed the type of person I was and believe I can do great things as long as I can keep the different worlds apart.

BE WELL!

Finding Peace

So many times and so many different places I have gone to try to get some peace but everywhere I go I can’t get the peace I need to focus on the things I need to get done. If it’s not one reason it’s another and it’s not for a lack of trying that I can’t find peace, it’s because people can’t leave a person alone when they can see they are busy doing something. I have gone out of my way to find places that I wouldn’t be bothered by anyone, ridden my bike miles sometimes and still someone has to stick their nose where it doesn’t belong, make some distracting sound, or something to annoy me to the death.

Trying to get some peace in today’s world is almost impossible. The phone will ring just as you sit down to get comfortable, or your friend shows up to distract you from anything you are doing. Have you noticed the volume on the television will increase on commercials just to get your attention off of whatever it is your doing and look at what they want you to see? So trying to get and stay focused is frustrating.

There are those people too who do these kinds of things on purpose to keep a person from being able to focus or get anything important done. These people work on the dismantle and destroy team of evil and they are everywhere. They will keep a person moving around for different reasons of course. For example, a person can’t use the phone if it’s not charged. A computer is useless unless it is charged right? If you are only able to plug in your device for a few minutes here and a few minutes there your phone will not have enough charge in it if you need to call for help for some unknown reason.

For many years I did my best to be nice and excuse myself, then I would have to pack up all my stuff and go on another search for someplace I won’t be bothered. I told a guy the other day that I was busy working on something but this had no effect, he just kept talking. Then the next day I go to the same place I have been going to write because of the free internet access, I see him. It looks like he is waiting for me so I don’t go there even though I need to get on the computer and do some important work. The next day I get up and head to the same spot with internet access that I have been going to for months but there he is again, damned if he doesn’t just stalk me down and start the chatter all over again talking about the same things he was talking about before that I don’t care about. Now I have to find a different location for free internet access that I can sit which also has an electrical outlet in case I need a charge.

I am seriously reaching my wits end, it is becoming hard to be nice to people who only want to keep me from moving forward. Keeping me from doing things that need to get done by those who say they care about me and only want the best for me has to be the most disturbing because these are the ones I would think would want me to succeed but my mom is the one who triggers me the most and I have caught her doing it on more than one occasion on purpose.

It looks as if I am going to have to disappear from everyone and everything to get some peace and to start a new life for myself, this one is still not working out well because of people putting things in my way so I can’t move out of this rut. It must be safe for them to keep me down, I have news for all of you who keep me down on purpose…. your time will come!

BE WELL!

Starting Again

I get tired of always having to start over, leaving my things because it’s a better idea to walk away, or I lose my things because other people think they need something more than I do and they steal from me. It really isn’t about the material things because God does give you what you need but it is frustrating when you constantly have to replace the things you need the most in order just to look human.

Trying to recover myself from long term effects of abuse is hard when it’s gone on for so long, when a person constantly hears how they are wrong, or been called stupid, slow or an idiot, they start to believe those things. On one level I know I’m not stupid, slow, or an idiot, but I sure do feel that way for putting up with so much crap from men again and again. The feeling of stupidity comes from not seeing these things right off and falling victim over and over.

I turned 51 this past July and I have never been married, I guess my expectations are too high and I have never met anyone who has come close to what I want in a husband. The one time I thought I met the perfect person but it turned out to be one of the most hurtful experiences of my adult life when he cheated and sent me a video of it. I’m really glad that I didn’t go forth with that one considering how it ended. My point is that after so many bad relationships it’s hard to think of starting with someone new. I have come to the conclusion that I won’t ever find the right partner, someone it would be effortless to be with is not easy to find in life. Someone who would protect me above all else is impossible to find when money comes into play it seems.

When meeting a new person these days all they seem to want to do is hang out and get in your pants, there is no dating to get to know one another, they don’t even really want to spend time over a cup of coffee. Sex is overrated and not worth the trouble. The last person who approached me said to me, “want to hang out and smash?” I didn’t even know what it meant when he said smash, I had to ask him what that meant. I was put off by this because how easy it seems for this generation to crawl in the sack with someone they don’t know. How do they know that person doesn’t have a bunch of diseases?

The fact is people just don’t care like they used to but I still do. My loyal nature stands alone most of the time and it is lonely. I love my children and I think they know that but they have been taken from me like everything else I love. It seems like I am not allowed to keep anything I love because someone else thinks they can do better than I can. My children suffer and nobody cares that Social Services is the ones to blame for where they are now and that he is the one to blame for where I am at.

I will make my way back to where I was and I refuse to start again this time when so many know what it is I live for.

Decision Making

On a normal day everybody’s day starts the same way, getting up out of bed, then you make coffee, you get dressed, and then plan your day. Some days are relaxed and some days there is so much to do you have to prioritize what’s most important. For me, I like structure and I hate surprises or when things come up that I don’t plan for. It throws things into a disorganized mess that I didn’t have any part of.

Sometimes people will come into your life that think they can force you to make a decision by simply putting you on the spot, it is as simple as asking you a question. Let’s say you meet a new person and you don’t really know this person but you think they are alright because talking to them is not complicated so you start to like this person as a new possible friend. I exchanged phone numbers so we could text, no big deal. Soon I’m getting messages from this person and then the calls. I make it clear that I don’t take phone calls but he tries to call me and get me on the phone anyway. He tells me how he would like to call one time and I answer the phone. I have already told him at this point more than once I don’t take phone calls. Then he tells me how he would like to call one time and I answer the phone. At this point I have already told him more than once that I don’t take phone calls. This is a power move by someone who has control issues.

Let’s say your walking with someone and you always go the same way because you know you will be safe but the person who is walking with you drops something, so you start to look for the item but can’t find it. This person decides to empty all of his pockets and now has a bunch of stuff on the ground in a big mess. He knows your in a hurry because you have to be home to get the call from your kids but he keeps looking through the crap he just took out of his pockets and then finally finds what he thought he had lost. This is time manipulation, they take up the time you need for you and your phone call with your kids out of your hands and make you look like an idiot when it comes time to explain why you missed the call.

These people are wretched and havo zero concern for anything but what they want no matter who they have to step on, manipulate, and sometimes they are very patient for years while they fuck with you from afar. This is true shit here, think about a community somebody you know lives in and they know you by name only, some have met your sister, niece, nephew, but not you. All of your family members create a picture of you with characteristics that aren’t the greatest and some are untrue. A negative story is started and boom, you can’t even move around without people in your business and basically in your ass. Eventually you get tired because it’s so difficult to move forward when you have to convince everybody what is true and what is just a story someone made up to get you fucked up. For whatever reason they see is good enough they will steal your power and ability to move forward and that gives them the ability to move forward leaving you in the dirt while they are laughing at you.

How about this one, it’s the best one they have but now I see what people who have power control issues do to those less fortunate than they are. They invite you to live either with them or someplace they own knowing you need a place to stay and this makes them look good because it seems as if they are good for the community by helping people. They make you comfortable enough to get somewhat comfortable so you move your belongings into the place so it feels like a home instead of a trap house. The whole time your gut is telling you something doesn’t feel right but you brush it off. A few weeks go by and suddenly something happens that you have to move and someone is usually causing a big scene for any reason possible. This makes it impossible for you to gather all of your belongings before you have to leave, everyone gets to go through everything you have at the house and take what they want. They somehow turn things around and make it seem like you did something wrong and blame you for a situation that had nothing to do with you and now you look like someone who can’t be trusted to the community plus they took all your stuff so you have nothing that you need or makes you feel comfortable. They seem to target things that would give you security like lock boxes, bicycles, hygiene, things a person needs to cook or a coffee pot.

These things are effective when applied to the same person for many years, it dumbs a person down and makes them unable to function on a normal level of everyday things. The ability to accomplish everyday simple tasks becomes a never ending battle and you find yourself sitting staring at the floor for hours at a time. So in order to get through these times start with making a list of just a couple things to begin with, simple things so you don’t get overwhelmed. If you have to drag your ass to get the things on your list done, do it. Always start by getting yourself on point, where you look presentable to public at least. I usually start with dragging myself through the shower and getting dressed, even if it takes hours because you really can’t accomplish anything unless you are put together first.

These little steps will help start regaining control of your life and stop the vampires from stealing your joy and sucking the life right out of you. So take care of you because nobody is going to do it for you and you are worth everything God has made you to be.

Also remember things have consequences so if you really want to play this game with me you best know what field I play on or your in trouble.

BE WELL!

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