A Partner?

I have wished for a long time to find a partner I would be able to trust, to know there is a person who would protect me before anything else like I would but when it comes down to it, who do you trust better with your life than yourself? I have never been married and I will be 51 on the 19. My expectations are not complicated, simple things bring me joy so what makes it so difficult to have a relationship? Being tied to the past sucks when it comes to domestic violence because I always have so much baggage that I don’t remember was mine to begin with. It’s not the same when you’re forced to carry shit you never wanted in the first place. Nobody starts out saying, down the road I’m going to punch you in front of the kids and make them think it was your fault after you cook me dinner. It doesn’t start off with, I can’t wait to start disrespecting you and still expect you to have sex with me because it’s your duty. When someone is always looking out for signs of an abuser they don’t get to just relax and enjoy being together. It gets pretty lonely, I manage to keep myself busy but it would be nice to have someone to love and have someone really love back without any complications, I have patience now and it’s hard to keep my head up sometimes and I find myself staring at the floor unable to move for hours until the shock wears off. I have had to learn coping skills for many different aspects of life so I don’t spontaneously combust one day, I do feel like it could happen.
Being alone is one of the hardest things for me but you wouldn’t know it by looking at me I guess. I have isolated myself for many years because I don’t like people around me or able to look at me, it doesn’t matter if I know who they are or not, I know I trust one person, me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying all men are worthless, or saying all men are abusers because I don’t believe that to be true. I guess the question is why does the man protect his brother before his wife? What makes it ok for your wife to service your brothers? That’s my choice and I don’t play the numbers game. When I make a decision to be with someone that means I don’t want anyone else touching me.
My heart still lives on my sleeve and I love deeply, and will protect what is mine to the death if necessary but why make someone a priority in your life when they don’t even consider you an option?

just me

Published by Ms Kiim

I have had a hard life and been through some tough experiences. I have a lot of information to share when it comes to domestic violence and abuse of every kind, the cycle of abuse is a horrible place to live and I hope to empower women so they have a chance to break free and change the quality of life for themself and the children.

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