Characteristics

I know I haven’t been like this my whole life, I used to be able to go out in public, I used to work at different bars and noise never bothered me like it does now. People too, I hate when people can see me when I am trying to isolate. It get’s annoying when they know your having issues with something they are doing yet they just keep doing the same thing to piss you off.

My mother for example will tell everybody where I am and what I’m doing whenever anyone asks. No matter how many times I ask her to not talk about me to people she does anyway. I have actually caught her doing some screwed up things to me intentionally, things I had no idea triggered some not so favorable responses. Since the fire i’ve been struggling with PTSD and some other issues, I have caught her doing little things to trigger my anxiety, like pounding on the table and will yell for no reason.

One time I was sitting getting her stoned and we had a ok conversation, I was calm because I was getting stoned, but when I grabbed my things off the table and started walking to my room she started slamming her lighter on the table. It was strange watching this happen, she was yelling at me asking why I was coming at her like I was and I had no idea how to react because I had no idea where this was coming from or what just happened that I missed? By this time everyone outside could hear that she was yelling but I had no recourse at the moment. I didn’t get it at first but then I realized I had just been sitting calmly with her so I had no idea what the hell she was doing this for.

Another time my sister had come to my mom’s house in Apache Junction to take me to get baptized in her church in Yuma. My sister had said to me that when I had to leave mom’s or got her place in order I could come stay with her for a little while. So I said thank you and left it at that. It was a good weekend but some things were also strange. When we were at the bar where they were holding a funeral she said to me everyone knew what was going on, what did she mean by that? I had noticed she was playing musical chairs with the people around me every time I got up to go to the bar or to the bathroom.

My point is, when anyone around you acts in a certain way, it  triggers a response from you in one way or another, this is called automatic response. If someone is acting like they are mad your automatic response may be to move away because this person is aggressive, it’s what you do automatically from someone else’s action, equal but usually opposite.

How a person is raised from childhood and the type of atmosphere the child is exposed to will develop characteristics that will mold into a specific type of person. Kind natured versus Mean spirited, lazy versus compulsive, you get it right? 

Now say for example a person you have known all your life suddenly makes a life altering choice that could go horribly wrong and you know this person would never be so irrational. Last you knew your friend got a new boyfriend and they would argue most of the time so you haven’t seen each other in a little while. 

Abusive partners, (men and women) do this intentionally to isolate you from everyone, especially family so they can gain control and change the way you respond to different things by replaying a recent past event to you in detail verbally to show you how things had transpired in a situation. After a while you start to see and feel things like your partner instead of how you would normally respond.

Keep holding tight to what you believe in and always try to do the next right thing. Help when you can and get help when you can’t. 

 

Published by Ms Kiim

I have had a hard life and been through some tough experiences. I have a lot of information to share when it comes to domestic violence and abuse of every kind, the cycle of abuse is a horrible place to live and I hope to empower women so they have a chance to break free and change the quality of life for themself and the children.

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