Different Worlds

     It used to be as if I lived at the bar when I was younger, I don’t think I was ever at home. In fact I am trying to remember “home” and I can only remember a few and it’s been a lot of years. My point is I drank, that was how I lived my life, drunk. I was an alcoholic by the age of 15 I think but I needed it because the reality of things was too much for me to cope with and I wasn’t ready for that yet. 

   I remember one time in Denver Colorado I was so drunk I slouched over while sitting on the toilet and I couldn’t move. I couldn’t move to reach my pants and I couldn’t move anyway so I took a nap. Someone woke me from the state I was in because before I went into the bathroom I ordered a taxi to take me home. She helped me into the taxi but I was so drunk I couldn’t remember my address, thankfully I did remember my mom’s address or he was going to take me to detox.

   Having these memories causes me to feel bad. I get upset at myself because I also remember telling myself that I could do great things if I could only stop drinking. Nobody ever saw that happening soon, not with my lifestyle of being a full time stripper. I thought the same way as my family did about my drinking and the possibility of ever seeing me sober. There wasn’t anything that I had any responsibility for at this point and I needed to make money to survive. The drinking was necessary to cover the sexual abuse as a kid. Most of this my family has no idea of because of course kids say nothing about these things, especially to family. So I learned how to function in society as someone who drank, I learned how to do different jobs all under the influence of alcohol, a total of 40 years or so I’d say.

   During those times I had a lot of fun so I’m told, I partied hard and could keep up with the best of them. I hung out in strip clubs and I had a lot of money for things I wanted. If I saw something I wanted I bought it without hesitation because I knew I had the money for whatever it was at the time. I somehow was able to function through all of the chaos, I just pushed through things if it needed to get done without anything to complicate it. I did have other jobs besides stripping, like breakfast server and bartender, I do really love to serve breakfast in high volume, fast paced places. I have done many different things for work, not all of them on the good side of life and not socially acceptable.

   I have been free from alcohol now for some years, it took a lot of hard work with a therapist but we did it. I had never had a therapist until this point in my life, not that I remember anyway. I had never been to counseling like my sister, I  didn’t know she was in counseling until many years later so I never even thought about it. Getting sober was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, staying off the liquor isn’t hard anymore because it’s been 10 plus years now and I wonder if they broke me or fixed me actually. 

   The reason I say that is because now I have feelings and emotions that I used the alcohol to snuff down to where they are not functional. The liquor made everything easy and there were no feelings attached to anything or any emotional crap, getting things done was easier then when I didn’t have to analyze it all before moving forward on something. I had learned how to function in society as a functioning alcoholic, most of my work skills I also learned how to do so now I have to learn how to do things I used to already know how to do all over and it is not fun. I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD which makes it impossible to function at all some days but having to pick everything apart to find out how I feel about it first drives more than just me crazy. I never know what will set off my triggers that turn me into that person nobody can stand, including me. 

Now I live on the streets basically, this is not what I busted my ass for all my life. I have none of my kids because of an abusive partner that manipulated the court system to take my youngest from me even though I was doing good. I don’t work because of the PTSD, I have issues with people being able to see me. Plus I don’t have a boyfriend either, the last person I trusted to be my partner set me on fire so I have big trust issues and so would you. My youngest son, Aaron’s dad vowed if I ever left him he would destroy my life and that is exactly what he did. I don’t know how my life went from what it was to what it is and I struggle to get back where I was before. It’s hard to get through the day and be productive because of the long term effects of abuse and gaslighting.

   It was hard to put the pieces of my life together with my memory because of so many contributing factors but once I started to connect the dots they came one after another, some of the things that I remember are not easy to remember but I have to get to the bigger picture. I have made many changes and have successfully changed the type of person I was and believe I can do great things as long as I can keep the different worlds apart.

BE WELL!

Published by Ms Kiim

I have had a hard life and been through some tough experiences. I have a lot of information to share when it comes to domestic violence and abuse of every kind, the cycle of abuse is a horrible place to live and I hope to empower women so they have a chance to break free and change the quality of life for themself and the children.

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