I get tired of always having to start over, leaving my things because it’s a better idea to walk away, or I lose my things because other people think they need something more than I do and they steal from me. It really isn’t about the material things because God does give you what you need but it is frustrating when you constantly have to replace the things you need the most in order just to look human.
Trying to recover myself from long term effects of abuse is hard when it’s gone on for so long, when a person constantly hears how they are wrong, or been called stupid, slow or an idiot, they start to believe those things. On one level I know I’m not stupid, slow, or an idiot, but I sure do feel that way for putting up with so much crap from men again and again. The feeling of stupidity comes from not seeing these things right off and falling victim over and over.
I turned 51 this past July and I have never been married, I guess my expectations are too high and I have never met anyone who has come close to what I want in a husband. The one time I thought I met the perfect person but it turned out to be one of the most hurtful experiences of my adult life when he cheated and sent me a video of it. I’m really glad that I didn’t go forth with that one considering how it ended. My point is that after so many bad relationships it’s hard to think of starting with someone new. I have come to the conclusion that I won’t ever find the right partner, someone it would be effortless to be with is not easy to find in life. Someone who would protect me above all else is impossible to find when money comes into play it seems.
When meeting a new person these days all they seem to want to do is hang out and get in your pants, there is no dating to get to know one another, they don’t even really want to spend time over a cup of coffee. Sex is overrated and not worth the trouble. The last person who approached me said to me, “want to hang out and smash?” I didn’t even know what it meant when he said smash, I had to ask him what that meant. I was put off by this because how easy it seems for this generation to crawl in the sack with someone they don’t know. How do they know that person doesn’t have a bunch of diseases?
The fact is people just don’t care like they used to but I still do. My loyal nature stands alone most of the time and it is lonely. I love my children and I think they know that but they have been taken from me like everything else I love. It seems like I am not allowed to keep anything I love because someone else thinks they can do better than I can. My children suffer and nobody cares that Social Services is the ones to blame for where they are now and that he is the one to blame for where I am at.
I will make my way back to where I was and I refuse to start again this time when so many know what it is I live for.