Being a mom I know I will never stop worrying about my kids and that is what is normal, but when I think about my daughter it is a different story. I love my daughter with all my heart and I know that I am responsible for some of the issues she struggles with. I hold a pain in my heart for all the suffering I have caused her and I am so sorry for not being in her life when she was young. I have no excuse for any of it or am I trying to excuse my behavior by placing blame on anyone.
I used to drink so much I am surprised I could function half the time. I wish I had had a better life and was raised differently so she could have had a better chance and not been through the system at a young age, and I mean that for all of my kids, I believe they all should have had at least a chance at a better life.
I have had more abusive relationships in my life than not, this has had a big effect on me throughout the many years that have gone by. Most every one started out okay and then I get my feelings attached to the person and it turns bad. I noticed abusers like to have control of everything, they target your feelings for them and crush everything you built those on. Trust, love, honesty, being faithful, the affection, intimacy, these are all good things to have with a partner but when these things are betrayed in the relationship it creates an emotional pain like none other. At first I just moved on, I remember thinking to myself he was just a bad person, and that I could do better. I deserved to be treated better and it was pretty easy to move on to the next person. Looking back on that time in my life now I know I was still picking the same kind of person and I was in the same position that I had been in when I started the last relationship, which means I was dating people from the bars I used to go to and that was not turning out well at all. What did I really expect? That I would some day meet the perfect man in a bar?
One time I had fallen head over heels for a man names Jon. He was handsome. His smile made his eyes glow and light up a bright blue. He was smart and worked a lot but he always made time for me. I stole from him when I left his house, why I did does not excuse the behavior and had I known then what I have learned about myself since that time I would have not started out like that. Even so, Jon let me back in, he still wanted to be with me and I thought it was admirable. The relationship went on for about three years but toward the end is when it got bad, he was very emotionally abusive. He knew how I felt about him but none of that mattered anymore.
I had gotten us a place to stay and we had been living together for a little while when he convinced the person we were staying with that I had stole his phone. I didn’t steal the phone and he actually had the thing in his hand as he was telling this guy why he was getting rid of all of my belongings, because I stole his phone. I got kicked out, he got rid of everything I had, clothes, shoes, makeup, all my shower stuff, blankets, coats, suitcases, everything. I had no change of clothes, nothing to shower with or clean up, it was all gone and I got kicked to the street.
Some time later we got a room at a motel, he knew how I felt about him still and since I love so deeply he knew I didn’t want anyone besides him but he would accuse me of some really gross things, things I would never do, shit some things I never heard of and wondered what he was talking about. One night I ended going to jail and when I got my phone and turned it on I found he had sent me a video. He said he wanted me to know what it felt like to be cheated on, it was a video of a woman giving him oral sex. It crushed me because I knew I had never cheated on him and I was pretty sure he knew that as well.
The next person I got involved with turned out to be the one of the most dangerous, I had been set on fire. After a while you have to ask yourself what’s wrong with me that all these different men just keep hurting you? I already have some mental health issues but this made it all worse. Now I just don’t get involved with anyone because it is better to be alone than keep up trying to find someone who will love me the way I see it should be, thew same way I would love and protect them I expect in return. I won’t be wasting any more time with that, instead I have made the decision to put that time and effort into my kids and building a better life, alone.