Everyday I struggle with one thing or another and that’s normal, everyone has things they battle with in life so I know it’s not just me on that one. What I am talking about is the things that come from the heart that effects how a person is able to function on a regular basis, or the opposite, unable to function. I can’t be the only person suffering with this crap that is from years of abuse, not only from other people in and out of my life but I know I have caused some myself too, so that’s where I take some responsibility for some of the way I feel.
A big saying of mine is “people only treat you how you let them treat you” and that holds true in every case I have picked apart so far, but when I look at some of the behavior from family and how I’m treated from them now, it sucks to see the truth behind it. Why am I the only one of my family who has nothing? Not as much as a place to live? I used to have everything and then some, I have worked my ass off all my life and wasn’t doing too bad on my own ever. I was usually the one who offered to pay for things and had money to fly back and forth to Denver from Chicago whenever it was necessary for my kids. I had my own place, a nice little studio, I even had a custom headboard made for my bed. I was organized and kept everything clean to the point it made others wish they could clean and organize that well.
What happened in my life that it all changed to what it is now? I can’t seem to get anything done. I don’t seem to have the skills that I once had, but I don’t understand how it’s all just gone like that. I don’t have any place to live of my own or even stay, this is where I get disappointed with my family because they all have places and could help me to get something to get back on my feet, like a small car, or even just a motorized bicycle for that matter so I could at least get a job since I am finally healed from the fire. Instead I am being forced to go to a shelter and become part of the homeless community here in Arizona.
When my sister came and took me to get baptized she told me to get mom’s house in order and I could come stay with her for a while but that hasn’t even come up now that I have to leave my mom’s. She stays in a house that is too big for her to clean on her own, plus her husband is always out on the road most of the time so she is there by herself. They also have a motorhome that I could live in and be happy with forever but I can’t get any help from her now. My little sister paid my phone bill last month because nobody else would help me. She even has a truck that just sits in the yard, I am getting mad at my family for this shit because it’s like when they need my help to do accomplish something they expect for me to drop everything to cater to what they need, and I have , but now when I actually do need help and support from them I am being forced to find a shelter to go to. I have even caught my mom triggering my PTSD symptoms on purpose.
Since the fire I have struggled to do simple things, it was difficult before the fire and now it’s worse. Somedays I sit and all I can do is stare at the floor for hours. I was on the uphill momentum for a little bit but it seems when I am making good progress I get cut off or when I say anything about what I’m doing it seems like none of it matters. Nothing I do is ever enough or I’m doing things wrong, why is it there is no solution being given?
I have a solution, I am going to build a little spot on mom’s property so I won’t be on the street at night at least and she can say I’m not here because I will no longer be staying in the house with her. I will need to use the shower and stuff but I think that will be ok until I can get a job and a place of my own. I am not happy about having to look for a shelter, besides there really is no shelters that a person can just get in easily, as I have found out in the past few days I have been looking. I will be safe because nobody will know where I am.