Looking at the things I have had to go through in my life is disturbing. I have made a lot of changes to be a better person and not fly off the handle but it seems like none of it really matters to anyone but me. Nobody even sees the changes I have made when they only live to destroy what they believe to be the rest of me. I have had a hard time just being able to live with some of the things I have found out after much digging.
It’s a hard reality to find out the how people in my life have not only made me the way I am but continue to do the same things to me in order to keep me down for their purpose. I have been doing some positive things for myself like getting back to school for a business license, building a blog, sharing stories of strength and hope, and I got baptized. When people can only talk about you negatively it impacts how you can move forward. Not sharing how you are different, the changes you have made, or day anything positive they are actually cutting the very life out of you.
My mother knows I have had some hard struggles and suffer with PTSD but I have caught her on many occasions triggering me intentionally. One night I was sitting with her getting her stoned, I was calm and was having no issues. When I got up to walk to my room she started slamming her keys on the table which she knows the loud sudden noise will set my symptoms of PTSD off. I looked at her and asked what the problem was and she started yelling so everyone could hear as she said, I don’t know why you come at me like this. That is when I started to notice she is and has been the one that keeps my life hell. When I told her I thought I was pregnant she said, “it’s no wonder they tried to kill you”.
I decided to come to my mom’s place in Arizona because she said she wanted to help me. She told me she had a room for me and I could relax and heal when I got out of the hospital, it seemed like a good idea and I was supported in that decision when the hospital actually bought the ticket for me. I have been here now for going on 7 months but nobody has really seen me because I isolate a lot now with my PTSD, plus she lives in a 55 and older community. Since coming here I have noticed in her behavior that she has had a big part in how my life is and how I got to be the bitch I am. Her part in how people see me is why I continue to seem to make no progress even though I have made a lot of it.
I have learned that my grandmother used to deal cards in Chicago for the Italians. I have found out that she did not leave my father when I was little but she would drag us around with her to different places with him. He was a biker for the Iron Horseman and what she had told me previously was not the same as the stories I was hearing now. All she was doing was covering her own ass and do her best not to let me find out what the real story was because she knows what I am capable of.
I am finally healed from the fire and have been working towards building a life to move out of here and now she still won’t protect me so I can move on in the right ways. Instead she wants to throw me to the streets where she knows it’s not safe for me to be and the reasons why but none of that matters. It’s like it was planned to get me out here to finish me off because of how much I know.
Everyday is a struggle and I just do my best to not make anymore mistakes along the way and try to do things the right way these days. I need some relief and maybe one day I can get some real help for my problems.